A Wise Woman is A Helper Suitable
Welcome to Week Nine: A Helper Suitable
This is week nine of sixteen. Yeah! We’re past the halfway mark! Whew! We are working through the workbook, A Wise Woman Builds Her House by Erin Thiele. If you missed the former weeks, you can start over with week one, A Wise Woman Builds Her House…On a Rock by clicking here. I hold a copyright release to reprint the book for you here, but you don’t. Therefore, the copying of this material in any form is illegal. I encourage you to buy the workbook. I have worked through it several times over the years. Every time that I do I find that there are new things that we need to work through. I also tend to write prayers in my book. I encourage you to do the same. Journal your thoughts, write prayers, even write confessions. The next time you work through it, you’ll be encouraged at how far you’ve come and how God answers prayers.
Remember that each week’s post is a week’s worth of study. I give it to you all at once for those who choose to work on it all over a weekend and ruminate over the information throughout the week.
As a reminder, this study is for WOMEN ONLY. Just as I encourage women to NOT study what a man should be doing once they marry so they don’t start judging their husband, I am asking the men to give us the same leeway. I am following the dictates of the Bible in Titus 2 for “the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands and their children.” Thank you for understanding.
|Chapter 9 |
Then the Lord God said,
‘It is not good for the man to be alone;
I will make him a helper suitable for him.’ —Genesis 2:18
God has designed a woman to be “. . . bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh” for her husband (Gen. 3:12). So why have we as Christian women bought into the feminist philosophy, allowing our role as the homemaker to be stolen? Because we are really unsure of what a woman was created and designed to do and to be. In today’s world men are not men and women are no longer women. This was the agenda of the feminist movement: to blend the roles. We now have confusion and unhappiness in both of the sexes. In addition, homosexuality and lesbianism are rampant in our society!
Without an understanding of our role as a “helper suitable,” we will tear down with our own hands our homes, our husbands, and our families. We will believe the lies and begin to play into the world’s idea of the role of a woman. Until I understood how uniquely created I was, I would try to steal my husband’s role. I was envious of his role and even despised being created a woman.
So look with me at how God in His perfect love and incredible wisdom designed and created us to be women.
Created for the man
We must seek knowledge from God’s Word to define how we were created and why we were created. “For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake” (1 Cor. 11:8-9). As we begin to move into God’s perfect plan for our lives, we then can live the abundant life God promises in His Word. Our lives will reflect God’s Word, rather than deny it. Others will be drawn to Christ through the testimony of our lives.
Helper suitable for him
“And the man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:20). This statement really gets under the feminist’s skin. Does it get under yours too? As Christians, we must renew our minds to line up with God’s Word. God’s Word is Truth! Living the Truth certainly will not be easy and it will seem almost crazy at first. It will seem totally bizarre to others who watch and observe the changes in your life. But through obedience to His Word, we will soon understand and reap the rewards of our understanding and obedience.
As Christians we obey and believe even when we don’t see. This is the faith we profess. We have all experienced how the world’s way has worn us out. We are worn out because we have tried to do what we were not created to do and to be what we were not designed to be.
We must begin to see that God intended the role of a woman and of a man to be special and unique. We must ask the Lord for guidance and discernment with each task we are presently undertaking. Now let’s look first at how and why we were created in the beginning.
Male and Female
Created MALE AND FEMALE
“And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Gen. 1:27). “He created them male and female, and He blessed them and named them Man in the day when they were created” (Gen. 5:2). “But from the beginning of creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE” (Mark 10:6). “And He answered and said, ‘Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE . . .’” (Matt. 19:4). When women wear men’s clothing, or have hairstyles or jobs that are unfeminine or downright masculine, they are denying the fact that God created women special and unique. We should not be ashamed of how we were created, but find the joy in being God’s perfect creation as women.
Men were created to be men. We, as wives, need to encourage and show approval to our husbands for their manliness. He must know that you are happy that he is a man. In our society, the masculinity of our husbands is under attack. Because of this trend in society, we have tried to change our husbands to be more feminine. However, there is a difference between a feminine man and a gentleman. The term gentleman has been ripped out of our vocabulary to accomplish the goals of the feminist agenda. A true gentleman is now called a male chauvinist. Instead of gentlemen, our society is rampant with effeminate men! “Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate . . . shall inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Cor. 6:9). If you try to change your husband to act like you, what example will your sons have? Strength is a good quality for a man.
Julie definitely wore the pants in her family, yet she continually was disgusted by the weak man her husband was. God had blessed her with a son, but, as her husband tried to help him to become masculine, she put a stop to the type of sports or other boy toys that she thought might hurt him. There was little difference between her son and her daughters. If anything, the girls were more aggressive and would also be the heads of their households someday.
Some denominations teach that women must have their heads covered, keep their hair long, and/or wear only dresses. Restore Ministries does not want to cause division over such issues. “If anyone advocates a different doctrine, and does not agree with sound words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with the doctrine conforming to godliness, he is conceited and understands nothing; but he has a morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words, out of which arise envy, strife, abusive language, evil suspicions . . .” (1 Tim. 6:3-4). Our ministry exists to bring families together and to strengthen marriages. We women know that as we pray for the Lord to lead us through our husbands, and to mold us and direct our hearts, He is faithful. Pray for the Lord’s direction. Be willing to follow the Lord as He directs you through your husband. Some women tend to go from one extreme to the other. Move slowly and be careful of being too legalistic. Clothing and hair can be changed; yet, if there is no change on the inside, who are we fooling? As we begin to move into our God-designed roles with obedience and conviction, our outward appearance will follow if necessary.
Leah* was the type of woman other women seemed to envy. After each baby, she was able to leave the hospital in the same pair of jeans she wore before she became pregnant. Her hair was short and always in the latest style. She would never allow her children to get in the way of her outside hobbies and goals. Even though her husband asked her to, she wouldn’t home school their children because she wanted her freedom. However, her relationship with her husband seemed odd. It was more of a friendship than a marriage (not that we shouldn’t be friends with our husbands). You would see her playfully punch her husband in the arm or slap him on the back. With her hair cut short, along with her style of clothing, many times she’d be mistaken for her husband’s son.
Her hair cut off
Has your husband asked you to let your hair grow long or longer? Or has he told you that you would look cute in one of the latest cuts? If he has told you something about your hair, submit. You must put your husband in the seat of authority over you.
We are constantly bombarded with friends who tell us the opposite of what our husbands say. When some of us do try to submit, maybe to grow our hair longer, we go through the awkward stage of growing it out. Then we whine, our husband gives in, and we cut it again. If our husbands have requested longer hair, here are the Scriptural references: “For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head” (1 Cor. 11:6). Also, 1 Cor. 11:15: “. . . but if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her. For her hair is given to her for a covering.” Women, the issue is not the length of our hair, but subjection to our husbands’ authority and protection for us. Our husbands can never be leaders if no one follows! And if you’re not following him, don’t expect your children to follow you!!
I have a friend who loves this workbook; however, she has an area of rebellion that continues on until this day. This is why Scripture talks in James 1:25 about not being “. . . a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer.” Her husband is the type of man who likes long hair hanging down, no make-up, and casual clothing. When her husband is around this is exactly how she looks; however, I always know when her husband is out of town. Her hair is up, she wears make-up and her clothing changes. When others tell her she looks good, they are probably not aware of her husband’s preferences. She has been blessed with a large family but rebellion runs rampant. I hope I don’t have to explain why.
My husband, on the other hand, likes a lot of make up, my nails done and my hair short and stylish. Before I met my husband, I was kind of a plain Jane. For years I had very long hair until my brother became ill with leukemia. I had just had my third son and my brother needed me to give quite a bit of blood for some tissue typing for his bone marrow transplant. Within a few days, my hair began to fall out by the handful! My doctors surmised that giving blood had been too much for my body, and they recommended that I cut it. They told me that the weight of my hair would eventually cause all of it to fall out. When I cut it shoulder length, my husband loved it!
I had it this way for many years but, after I saw the Scriptures about the woman’s hair being her crown, I grew it out again. It wasn’t until I was told of my “long-hair righteousness” (To understand the term long-hair righteousness see the paragraph “First clean the inside” below) that I cut it again. Before I did, however, I asked my husband. He told me he loved me with short hair but he had never come out and told me. Looking back I think he may have hinted, but I never seemed to get the message. It seems to take me a little longer than others to wake up!
Now I am careful to dress and wear my hair for him. Since I am in my forties, I am now getting a bit gray and I like coloring my hair. However, he says he likes it the way it is. Well, goodbye, Miss Clairol! Update: Since writing this portion of the workbook my husband wants a red-head. Ladies, never get too settled or fixed when it’s our job to move and follow our husbands!
Ladies, not only did I have “long-hair righteousness” but I also had “home-school righteousness,” “home-birth righteousness,” “wearing-only-skirts righteousness.” But, praise the Lord, He dealt with me on each of these areas of “self-righteousness.” Ladies, search your heart and confess to the Lord if there is any trace of self-righteousness in your life. Whenever we think that we are somehow better than someone else, then we are self-righteous. Self-righteousness is a serious form of pride that the Pharisees exhibited. As I look back, I wonder how I could ever have felt proud. It was my Lord who showed me the Truth, and He gave me the grace to be able to live that Truth in my life. It just shows me again that when I exhibited a “selfrighteous” spirit and attitude, I was nothing but a fool!
The hidden heart
One more note on the hair. Many times I have been aware of a spirit of rebellion that seems to rise up in women in anger or frustration as they state, “I just want to cut it (their hair) off!” What matters to God is not what we say or do, for that is our outward appearance. God is interested in our hearts. How is your heart? Is your heart hard toward your husband or hardened against your being a woman? Each of us needs to do a heart check. “. . . but let it be the hidden person of the heart . . .” (1 Pet. 3:4).
First clean the inside
The heart of a Pharisee is pride. The Pharisees hid evil thoughts and evil hearts behind their clothing. I have met women who wear very spiritual clothing, sometimes covering their heads. However, not all are as they appear. “You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also” (Matt. 23:26). I was surprised by the spiritual arrogance that the women exhibited toward one who wore other than their accepted clothing, didn’t cover her head, or wore pants. If you look down at those who do not dress as spiritually as you do, then you are a Pharisee like I was.
The Lord convicted me of my “long-hair righteousness.” Somehow I became arrogant. I looked at women who had long hair as being more spiritual. With prejudice in my heart, I would look at those who had short hair as spiritually deficient or downright evil. Yet in my dealings and counseling experiences, I found that some with long hair, long dresses, and the like were quite evil underneath.
Anytime we judge another on the basis of their outward experience we are in deception. The saying that goes “you can’t judge a book by its cover” is true. “. . . Do not look at his appearance . . . because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7). Some of the most loving hearts that I have met have been the newly born-again Christians who may sometimes wear clothes that are immodest; yet, their hearts overflow with the love of the Lord. These were the friends of Jesus, lest we forget Mary Magdalene.
Branding instead of beauty
“In that day the Lord will take away the beauty . . . Now it will come about that instead of sweet perfume there will be putrefaction; Instead of a belt, a rope; Instead of well-set hair, a plucked-out scalp; Instead of fine clothes, a donning of sackcloth; And branding instead of beauty” (Isa. 3:18). What comes to mind when I hear the word branding is tattooing. It still amazes me how popular this is with teens and young adults. We also see today’s youth piercing “everything.” Are you as a mother giving your permission to your son or daughter to tattoo or body pierce?
If you say that they wouldn’t listen to you if you did try and stop them, then you had better fall on your face before the Lord and ask Him to help you get back the respect and authority that you’ve thrown away. Your children are obviously surrounded by fools or they wouldn’t want to do something so barbaric and permanent. Are they in public schools? Is there television in your home (or should I ask, MTV, Heaven forbid!) Do your children spend their time at their friends’ house—need we go on? Please read lesson 14, “Your Mother’s Teachings” to gain the knowledge you need to save your family from this immoral society.
If it is your husband’s liberal thinking that is polluting your home, then you need to stop nagging him about it and begin to allow God to change your husband. Read lesson 5, “Won Without a Word.” If you continue to press him, you are not winning him without a word and your attitude is not respectful.
Man’s clothing or woman’s clothing
“A woman shall not wear man’s clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman’s clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God” (Deut. 22:5). We all know that the way we dress makes us act differently. Ladies, what do you wear when you do housework, a pair of jeans and a T-shirt or a dress with an apron? Yet, which of us has never begged our husband to go to some sort of formal event just so we could get all dressed up? When a little girl wears a dress, all her femininity shows as she twirls around in it. When we wear an apron, we may feel more like sticking around the kitchen to make cookies. Clothes really do “make a person.”
Ladies, have you noticed the many older women who are obviously dressing for comfort? Many, with their short hair, jeans and athletic tennis shoes, look exactly like their husbands. You’ll see this even in nice restaurants. Our mannerisms will usually reflect what we are wearing.
There are those women whose uniform at work is really men’s clothing, complete with necktie. Isn’t it interesting that the women are made to wear the men’s clothing, not the other way around? Why? Because men wouldn’t do it!
Has your husband tried to protect you from looking like a fool but you thwarted his protection? Did another woman tell you that your husband is a chauvinist pig for butting into your business, when it was really God trying to protect you? Ladies, it is about time that we as Christian women get a hold of the concept of being subject for our protection; these are God’s principles! We must follow His principles and then teach them to our children and not be ashamed to speak the Truth to our friends and family. If these principles from God’s Word have not been followed because of ignorance or rebellion, now is the time to show ourselves approved. “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, handling accurately the Word of Truth” (2 Tim. 2:15). Are we going to build up those who are perishing for a lack of knowledge? “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge . . .” (Hos. 4:6). If your husband is the one asking you to wear clothing that is inappropriate then please reread lesson 7, “Your Chaste and Respectful Behavior.”
Fine clothes or a sackcloth
“In that day the Lord will take away the beauty . . . Now it will come about that instead of sweet perfume there will be putrefaction; Instead of a belt, a rope; Instead of well-set hair, a plucked-out scalp; Instead of fine clothes, a donning of sackcloth; and branding instead of beauty” (Isa. 3:18). This verse from Isaiah certainly sounds like what comes out of the garment district that we are expected to wear. Have you ever wondered why the men’s styles never change very much? Because they would never buy it! They allow designers to play around with the width of ties and suit lapels, sometimes changing the fabrics, but, if they try to make men look too foolish, they simply won’t wear it. Yes, “wear it” versus buy it; the foolish styles that come out for men, which are never worn, are bought by wives for their husbands. Sometimes they “give in” and wear it, and then it sits there taking up space for years!
Turn his heart
What if your husband desires you to have very short hair or wear inappropriate clothing? You must pray for the Lord to turn his heart. “The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes” (Prov. 21:1). Stay under his authority and watch the Lord move on your behalf.
To sum up:
Let a man be a man.
You are not his mother, you are not his conscience, you are not his teacher, and you are not his holy spirit! It’s important that you understand:
- A man acts and reacts differently.
- A man is more physical than a woman.
- A man is generally more aggressive.
Let us strive to be more feminine
Begin to “put away” the way you used to be and “put on” the new ways that God will lead you in these areas:
- Your spirit—gentle and quiet.
- Your attitude—respectful, humble.
- Your speech—wise & kind.
- Your clothing—feminine.
- Your hair—feminine, possibly longer (elegant is always in style!).
- Your activities inside and outside the home. See the list of activities as found in Titus 2 and in Proverbs 31.
We Are One Flesh
Leave his father and mother
“‘FOR THIS CAUSE A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE; AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH’”
(Matt. 19:5). “Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6). Leaving physically is not exactly what these verses were talking about, since we know that in the Old Testament families all lived together. The Scriptures are talking about leaving emotionally and mentally. It is a transfer of loyalty from a man’s parents to his wife. Have you felt that you may have been missing the closeness God desires for your marriage? Does it seem that your husband makes his decisions based on the likes and dislikes of his parents, not you? It may be because your husband has not been released from his parents. A man must leave his parents before he can cleave to his wife.
Cleave to his wife
“For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh” (Matt. 19:5). Cleaving is defined as “a desperate holding onto.” This is quite clearly not happening today, since so many men leave their wives. What do you do if your husband is still trying to please or find approval with the family that he should have left? First, make sure the log is out of your eye. Are you still trying to find approval with the family you left? But what about honoring your father and mother? We are to honor our parents, even when we are adults and our parents are older. But clearly, Scripture says that we are to be subject to our husbands and that our husbands are to honor us as their wives.
Grant her honor
“You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7). When a husband is divided between what his wife thinks or feels and what his parents think or feel, what is a man to do? Who should he honor? Jesus told us by quoting the book of Genesis, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh” (Matt. 19:5). He also said, “Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6). Therefore it is not wrong for you to desire your husband to honor or cleave to you.
The reason many men have not properly cleaved to their wives is that they have not been allowed to “leave” their fathers and mothers. They have left physically, but they are still tied because the parents haven’t released them. Were both sets of parents in agreement when you and your husband married? If not, then there could be an attachment still in place.
When my husband was gone (right before he divorced me), I felt impressed to contact both of my in-laws (they are divorced). I repented of not asking them for their blessing back before we married. I asked them to forgive me for not being a good wife to my husband and for being a poor daughter-in-law to them. Then I asked if I was ever in the position of marrying my husband again that I wanted to know if they would give us their blessing. They both said yes and even said they loved me (this was a first). [However, both did tell me that they doubted if we would ever get back together again! Oh, never underestimate the power of God!]
If you are separated or divorced then feel free to follow my example. However, if you are blessed to have a husband living with you, then allow him to make the move toward his parents or ask his permission for you to do it. If he won’t or doesn’t do it, just pray for the Lord to work.
If any of the parents are deceased, pray that God would break that tie and then ask our Heavenly Father for His blessing on your marriage. There are many seminars that teach this all important area that listed in the back of the book.
If your parents, and especially your husband’s parents, remain in disagreement after you have repented of your lack of honor by marrying against or ahead of their will, it might be necessary for your husband to take a more drastic step.
Monica’s* husband left her for another woman, but after about two years, praise the Lord, he returned home. However, there were still major troubles, all of which seemed to stem from his family. His parents refused to accept the way they, as a couple, raised their children. His mother would send Halloween candy, Easter bunnies, Christmas gifts glorifying Santa and other gifts that ignored their family’s values. Monica’s husband had tried for years to explain his strong Christian beliefs to his unsaved father and Christian mother, yet he found it impossible to reason with his parents. In addition, even though they lived states apart, there was a weekly call to her husband from each parent, which would leave Monica’s husband depressed. His parents, and even his older brother, continued to control, manipulate and intimidate him even though he had been married for many years.
Monica was surprised and concerned when her husband told her that he was going to cut off all communication with his parents. She felt responsible, but her husband assured her that it was his decision and that he would rather do it this way so that he could concentrate on his relationship with her.
After about seven months, Monica reported that she and her husband had come closer to a one-flesh union than they ever had before. She has not questioned or pressured her husband to contact his parents, nor has she allowed false guilt to rob her of the blessing of her husband cleaving to and honoring her as his wife.
“So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh at that place. And the LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. And the man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man’” (Gen. 2:21). “AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:8). “Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6). One flesh is certainly an example of when we are together with our husband during our times of intimacy. But in addition to physical oneness, we need to be one with our husband emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
Do you and your husband have the same goals and directions? Many women have come in for marriage restoration because their husband, as he was leaving for another woman, said his wife’s goals were different than his. Are you allowing or encouraging division in your home? Have you gone against, pushed, or manipulated your husband to allow you to pursue a career or degree that will eventually cause division in your marriage? Or was it merely your discontentment with his salary? God created the woman to help and complete the man. Once a marriage takes place, they are “no longer two, but one flesh.” This means that they live their lives together, not as “roommates” where each has a life apart from the other. If your husband is the one pushing for division, pray. Satan is roaming around looking for marriages to devour. Once it is divided, it will no longer stand. (Matt. 12:25, Mark 3:25, Luke 11:17).
It is an abomination
A physical “one flesh” can only be accomplished with a man and a woman. There is a void in a wife designed to be filled by the husband. God created us male and female to produce fruits from our union, which we know are our children. Homosexuality is sin. It is an abomination to the Lord. We need to renew our minds to line up with what is written in the Scripture. “You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination” (Lev. 18:22). We as Christians need to line up with this issue to stand firm in the Truth. We need to live our lives in an uncompromising way, so that we are not double-minded. “I hate those who are double-minded, But I love Thy law” (Ps. 119:113). “. . . being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways” (James 1:8). “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded” (James 4:8). We cannot be lukewarm about something that is an abomination to God. (See lesson 12, “Fruit of the Womb,” for “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge . . .” (Hos. 4:6).)
Man independent of woman
The one flesh union brings about children as fruits. We are also to have the fruits of our emotional and mental union, the one flesh of our heart and our desires. God created women with certain needs and men with certain needs. The voids in our life and our husband’s life create a type of working gear as we move through everyday life. If we fill our voids apart from our spouse, the gear slips. The more we fill our voids apart from the other, the more our relationship slips. Soon we find there is nothing left to hang onto. Feminists have pushed us as wives to fulfill our own needs and let our husbands fend for themselves. We have believed the lie that it is not good to be dependent on each other. Being dependent is taunted as the disease of co-dependency from which we must be cured. “However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as the woman originates from the man . . .” (1 Cor. 11:11-12). God created a void in each of us that only the spouse can (or should) fill. When we violate God’s ways, we reap the consequences. Men are to be our providers and our protectors. They are our spiritual leaders and the fathers of our children. Our role as a wife, designed by our Creator, is to be our husband’s helpmate by bearing, nurturing and teaching our children. We are to provide comfort for our husband and children. We are to provide the meals for the family and keep a clean, well-kept home for the family.
“Then to Adam He said, ‘Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat from it’; Cursed is the ground because of you; In toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life” (Gen. 3:17). After the fall of man, the man and the woman were each given a punishment; the woman was given pain in childbirth and the man was made to toil the ground or work. So why is the man’s punishment now shared by both the man and the woman? It is because most of us live above our means. When the wife has a different career than that of her home and her children, it divides the couple’s interests and makes them independent from each other. “Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste; and any city or house divided against itself shall not stand” (Matt. 12:25). (See lesson 13, “The Ways of Her Household,” for “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge . . .” ?(Hos. 4:6).)
When we women protect ourselves because we feel we can “fight our own battles,” why would we need a husband? Is it you who tells that salesperson off or gets rid of that guy at the door—probably with more gusto than your husband would? Has your husband forgotten how to be a man since your marriage? Who really wears the pants in the family? Who really is stronger? If your husband tells you to take it easy or to slow down, do you tell your husband to mind his own business, or worse? But it is his business. The husband is the head of his wife, to protect her and their children. So what do our husbands do when we continue to take charge or take over? They back down, because they don’t want another fight! They live with the reality of the contentious woman. “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike; He who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand” (Prov. 27:15-16). (Reread lesson 6, “A Contentious Woman” if you struggle in this area.)
Populate the earth abundantly
Who is in control of when and how many children your family is going to have? Is it you, your parents, or your in-laws? How many men have told you that their wives said that they wouldn’t have any more children? That used to be a reason for a man to divorce his wife, as recently as the time of the Civil War. But again, the feminist movement changed all that. We can now kill our “mistake” if our birth control fails. Adam could do just about everything alone, but to fulfill the commandment given him to be fruitful and multiply, he needed a wife. “And as for you, be fruitful and multiply; Populate the earth abundantly and multiply in it” (Gen. 9:7). (See lesson 12, “Fruit of the Womb,” for “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge . . .” (Hos. 4:6).)
Ask their own husbands at home
Ladies, are you the leader in spiritual matters? Do you run to ask your husband what he thinks as the spiritual leader, or do you say, “Why would I go to him? What does he know, anyway? Don’t I go to all the Bible studies and seminars? And I’m the one sitting on all the church committees.” “Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land” (Prov. 31:23). Now we women sit with the elders of the land. Many of us sit on the committees to choose a new pastor who is sympathetic to the feminist philosophies.
“For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires; and will turn away their ears from the Truth, and will turn aside to myths” (2 Tim. 4:3-4). We women are out of our homes conversing with the elders and leaders while our husbands are at home fixing dinner for themselves and the children. Or, maybe he’s out of town away from the contentious wife and falling into an adulterous relationship. As we take over everything of any importance, we have given our husbands’ time to do the more important things like playing some sport or meeting the “guys.” The children and we have our spiritual questions answered by a professional, like the pastor or the Sunday school teacher. However, “if they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church” (1 Cor. 14:35). Have we encouraged our husbands to do other things rather than to lead our families spiritually?
As a father, our husbands have been pushed out of their roles or made to conform to the feminine manner of parenting. We criticize the way they handle or treat the children so often, they eventually just stop “interfering.” We are trying to mold our husbands into effeminate fathers. This has been the goal of the feminists. Their goal was to have no difference between mothering and fathering; thus it becomes “parenting.” Then there would be no reason that a lesbian or homosexual couple couldn’t become parents. You just need two “parents” to adopt a child, right?
God gave children both a mother and a father with distinct characteristics. Our children need both parents for them to grow up without a bunch of hang-ups or emotional troubles. If the roles are blended and blurred, who needs a father? “Honor your father and mother . . .” (Matt. 19:19). Ladies, please look at how you interfere with your husband’s leadership and manliness. If your husband is strict or strong with the children, don’t try to block his relationship with the children or overcompensate. God in His wisdom knew perfectly well what He was doing when He created both a mother and a father. Seek His wisdom in this area. Stop following the propaganda that we are fed through the media and other deceived women. (See lesson 12, “Fruit of the Womb.”)
Let me share with you some wisdom that the Lord opened my eyes to. When my son was in his early teens, I noticed that he seemed very immature for his age. He was an exceptionally good boy, kind and extremely intelligent. However, he was immature. I shared this with a friend who has eight children and she said she had two children who were also immature. In addition, we both came from large families in which one or two siblings were still immature as adults. That day in the park we prayed for wisdom.
Ladies, the Lord is so faithful. Only about a week or two later the Lord opened my eyes to the problem. In all cases, we noticed that the child who was immature had been protected and/or sheltered from their father. I had thwarted my husband from his position as the father, which caused his relationship with our son to be hindered. Then I began to overcompensate for my husband’s lack of attention and involvement with our son. Usually, I felt that he was being too firm or unfair. But ladies, do you know that God never makes a mistake? My son needed that firmness to grow properly.
Once I became aware of my failings, I found myself prostrate before the Lord humbly repenting and asking for His guidance. The Lord prompted me to begin to get out of the way of my husband’s wrath, which I constantly had prevented. On the first occasion, when I stepped aside, my husband didn’t know what to do. I feared he would be overly stern, but he remained calm. Many times, after the children went to bed, he would turn his anger at me since I had prevented him from reprimanding his son. When he began one evening (after the Lord had opened my eyes to my mistake), I excused myself, went in and got my son out of bed. When I submitted to my husband’s authority and God’s wisdom, it lifted a great weight off of our marital relationship.
In addition, instead of being easier on my son, as I had done in the past, I became just as firm as his father was. I was finally following my husband’s lead. And when the Lord prompted me to, I was happy to confess all of my mistakes to my husband and to my son.
Within a year or two a miracle happened. My son had not only matured, but he was being praised for his maturity! He was chosen by our former mayor to do a television special on home schooling. Then he was asked to hold a position on the home school board, which was the first time a student held a board position in the state of Florida. At the end of the year banquet for his swim team, his coach had him stand up before the entire group to praise him for his “maturity”! I only share this to show you the awesomeness of God and His perfect ways. He is faithful when we seek the Truth and then obey His prompting in all areas of our lives. Ladies, we serve a mighty God! Amen?
An excellent wife, who can find?
Are you a follower of Christ? As a Christian, do you obey God’s Word? “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. She looks for wool and flax, and works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night, and gives food to her household . . . She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet” (Prov. 31:10). Many women laugh and say, “Yeah, good luck finding a wife like that!”
Ladies, have we really taken a hard look at our lives and our children’s lives and then asked ourselves what has happened? Have we allowed our friends to encourage us to choose a career or go back to school in place of being a “keeper of the home”? Husbands need a listening ear and a wife to take care of their physical needs, like cooking and taking care of their clothes. They need us to take care of the home and to bear, nurture, teach and train their children. It’s in the Word of God. It’s not my opinion! If we do what we have just read from the Word in Proverbs 31, how could we possibly work outside the home, serve on as many committees, or go back to college?
Stop depriving one another
If you have gone along with the feminist way of thinking and have become liberated from your duties as a wife and a mother, more than likely you have also become separated from your physical oneness from your husband. “But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:2-5).
When there is trouble in this area, we must get at the root cause. Our homes and our roles are out of God’s order. When we resist our husband’s intimate advances, when we nag, and when we allow troubles at home that wear our husband down, why are we shocked when he eventually gives in to weaknesses and temptations? “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech . . .” (Prov. 5:3). “With her many persuasions she entices him; with her flattering lips she seduces him. Suddenly he follows her, As an ox goes to the slaughter . . . So he does not know that it will cost him his life” (Prov. 7:21-23).
He who would restrain her
Men as a rule do not confront their wives; most men don’t want any confrontation. They know that if they try to take control they will have an argument. Remember the contentious woman. “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike; He who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand” (Prov. 27:15-16).
Some of us have stopped controlling and manipulating only to find ourselves on the other end of the spectrum. Many of us have wanted to be such a good helper that we do everything for our husband. We do, do, do. This will actually rob him of blessings, and at the same time, rip the manliness out of him. We make the decisions, do everything around the house and in the yard, and help provide part of the income. We then are surprised that with all this free time, he finds himself a nice helpless woman to care for.
If we have taken on something our husband should be doing, we must pray that the Lord will change the situation. When we pray, many times we will see a mini-catastrophe occur and our husband will need to rescue us. However, this is actually a good thing if we don’t rob him of being the savior. Don’t try to fix it or tell him how to fix it—leave it alone! We must realize that this catastrophe has occurred because we have been operating in the wrong role, a role we were not designed for. However, you should never cause a crisis; wait for the Lord to move—stop manipulating!
Who Should Be the Spiritual Leader?
One question many women ask is “Who should be the spiritual leader since my husband won’t or doesn’t do it?” Or, many women will state “I have to be the spiritual leader of our home because my husband is not even a Christian!” Why are so many men neglecting or forfeiting their position as the head of their family?
Her husband is known
Christian women desire their husband to be the spiritual leader. “Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land” (Prov. 31:23). Some Christian women, however, have decided that they want to be the leader; the feminist philosophy that has destroyed the nation is now destroying the church. When women entered the church, fulfilling their own spiritual needs, men left to pursue other interests. When the men left, we wives fell into the hands of liberated pastors. Now we have been taken captive. “For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the Truth” (2 Tim. 3:6-7). The church is now overrun for the most part with weak men and strong-willed women. This is hindering our effectiveness as a church because the real men, Christian men, are MIA!
“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how will it be made salty again? It is good for nothing anymore, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men” (Matt. 5:13). Move your Bible studies back to the home. And also, we must change our Bible studies to focus on what a wife, mother and homemaker should know. Remember ladies; over half of the homes in America are crumbling. Are we going to continue to bury our heads in the sand? Will you wait until yours falls? Ladies, leave the Bible headknowledge and philosophies to your husband. Our extreme Bible knowledge is destroying our families because it intimidates our husbands. Women, from the day Eve ate of the fruit to “make one wise,” we have been hungry for “knowledge.” But this hunger can be just as destructive as it was for Eve and the generations that followed her. Ladies, it is time to make a mass exodus out of the church; then, wait for our husbands to lead us. If you are always running to church while your husband stays home, what reason does he have to go to church? How could he ever hope to get ahead of you, Mrs. Spiritual?
I know that this is the way many men think. My husband had this same concern when he came back home. It took six years of trusting the Lord before He allowed me to be in the best church in the world!
First, my husband church-hopped all over the city and throughout every denomination. Finally, disheartened, he settled on home church. I lost a lot of friends during this period who accused me of backsliding since I wasn’t going to church. Even though it was hard to home church for so many years, it was what God used to get my husband in the Word again. I then became so content that I didn’t want to go back to church. (Why is it so hard for us to follow the cloud when it moves?) Then, four years later, there was a great outpouring in a church only two miles from our home. However, my husband told me that he would never go. Many women thought it was ridiculous that I wouldn’t just go alone like they were. They mocked me because I submitted to this extreme, not even pressing my husband or bringing it up constantly to wear him down. It took praying for two years for God to move on my behalf. But glory! God is awesome and when He moves it is so powerful!
The first night we went, he ran to the altar before the altar call was given. We not only attended that first night, but my husband wanted to join the church! We are now members and in church three times a week— our family takes up an entire pew! Not only that, but we attend a workshop one night a week and he meets with men in an accountability group. Ladies, this may not seem like much to you if you have a godly husband. But my husband was in adultery! This is a real live miracle because I trusted God enough to wait for Him to move my husband. What would be the point if I was in church and my husband was still at home watching sports or at a movie? Most of the women (actually all but one) are still attending the services alone without their husbands. Dear sister, God will honor your faithfulness to His Word when you obey from your heart.
Christ is the head of every man
Christ is the head of every man, not just a Christian man. If this has been your excuse for taking the spiritual leadership seat then read First Corinthians 11:3, “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of woman, and God is the head of Christ.”
Teach or exercise authority over a man
We women are so stupid, we show off or tell our husbands how we make time to read our Bibles. We gloat over the worthwhile books and magazines we read! This is selfrighteousness! “But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet” (1 Tim. 2:12). “O My people! Their oppressors are children, and women rule over them. O My people! Those who guide you lead you astray, and confuse the direction of your paths” (Isa. 3:9).
Who is the head of your household? When women are the ones who rule the home, you can expect nothing but trouble. If your mother was in charge in your home growing up, chances are that your home is following in this same pattern. As a Christian woman, you can’t in all good conscience allow that to continue. Now don’t go home and throw it onto your husband, demanding that he take over. Just begin by concentrating all your thoughts and all your efforts on what a wife, mother and homemaker should do.
Pray continuously for the Holy Spirit to guide you. Ask as you proceed from one task to the next, “What would you have me do next, Lord?” Get your house in order, get your children in order, get your priorities in order and leave your husband to the Lord. What he does or does not do is not your concern and not your responsibility! God gives us so many things to do with our children, our home and our ministry (teaching younger women “what is good”). Ladies, this is our fruit in the garden. But all we can think about is that forbidden fruit, teaching or exercising authority over our husbands!
Be subject to your own husbands in everything
We as women cannot pick and choose when we want to be subject to our husbands. “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord…to their husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:22-24). It is clear from the above Scripture that God has put all husbands in the leadership role of the home.
No one can serve two masters
When things get out of order and when we take control in our relationships with our husbands, then our husbands eventually despise and even hate us. “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other” (Matt. 6:24). You see this principle in action when a child, who used to listen to his parents, is sent off to school. All of a sudden, this sweet child tells you what their teacher said, and now you are wrong. We send our sons and daughters off to college, along with our money (as the bumper sticker says, and they come home during break and treat us like the town idiot. (See lesson 14, “Your Mother’s Teachings” on home schooling and the questions you should pray about before sending your children to college because “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (Hos. 4:6).)
He will do it
Again, do you act as though you are your husband’s personal Holy Spirit? Do you flaunt your spirituality? Have you managed to convince your husband of his stupidity in spiritual matters? Do you know your Bible better than your husband could ever hope to know it? Or worse, are your children more wellversed in Scripture than their father? We as mothers make sure that our children are in Sunday school or in Christian school. But we neglect to realize that when we meet our needs for spiritual teachings through multiple Bible studies to get ahead of our husbands, and our children get their spiritual needs met through Sunday school, we replace our husbands with a counterfeit. There is no need for our husbands to have to learn anything in Scripture.
Instead, he knows all about his favorite sports teams. Instead of reading his Bible he can be seen reading the newspaper or the sports page. If you think it is too late or that your husband is too far behind to get ahead of you and your children to properly lead you, you are wrong. Since God has called the man to be the leader of the home, He will enable him.
However, we must confess our sin of replacing our husband’s role as our spiritual leader. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16). Boast about your weaknesses to other women. “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me” (2 Cor. 12:9). And above all, trust the Lord. “Commit your way to the lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it” (Ps. 37:5).
Washing of water with the Word
How important is it to have our husbands in God’s Word and then sharing that Word with us? “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless” (Eph. 5:25-27). Again, don’t nag your husband. It might be wise to not even talk to him about reading to you. This may cause him to rebel. His pressure needs to come down from above, from his authority. (See lesson 5, “Won Without a Word” if you want to see a real change in your husband, God’s way.)
The narrow gate
Ladies, go through that narrow gate and stop watching or allowing your children to watch television. Stop sending your weekly or monthly dues into Hollywood via the movie theater or video store, so they will stop making the movies that are destroying our families and our nation. If your husband is the television addict – pray! (Again, see lesson 5, “Won Without a Word” if you want to see a real change in your husband, God’s way.) “Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide, and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter by it“ (Matt. 7:13). If those who “claim” to be Christian stopped watching television and going to movies, Hollywood would stop making disgusting movies! We women must do spiritual warfare against this horrible addiction that you, your husband and/or your children are held by.
A woman shared with me something she was so proud of. Her husband and older sons were watching a rather disgusting show on television. This woman spoke to her husband and older sons as if they were in kindergarten, suggesting ever so “teacher-like” that maybe there was something else that would be better to watch. She then flipped through and found a very charismatic preacher and gave the family a big grin. Her three sons and her husband walked out and went to their own rooms. Ladies, this is not respectful behavior! What’s sad is that this woman’s husband has been telling everyone of his misery and his plans to divorce her.
I shared with her that her response was not a victory but a self-righteous act. No one will be won over by a Pharisee. I shared with her that I had begun my battle against the television with prayer and fasting. It also took my submitting and showing respect to my husband (even when everyone thought he didn’t deserve it) for our family to be rid of the pollution of television.
Practicing your righteousness before men
Do you go to church even when your husband stays home? “Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 6:1). Our actions must be an outpouring of what is in us. Do you “pride yourself” that you are more spiritual than your husband? Have you tried shaming your husband into church? Has your method worked thus far? Is he going with you? How do you expect to glorify God? “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:16).
You will know them by their fruits
What are your fruits of your claim to be a Christian? “You will know them by their fruits” (Matt. 7:16). Are you nagging your husband for what he has not done as the spiritual leader of the family? Do you flaunt your Bible reading in front of your husband? Then you are producing thorns, not fruit.
Compare the time you spend reading magazines, books, or watching other things with the time that you are in the Word. What are you going to do about it? Are you picking up anything that you have read in this workbook? Can anyone see any change in you from your reading of this? “For if anyone is a hearer of the Word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man shall be blessed in what he does” (James 1:23-25).
Bridle his tongue
“If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless” (James 1:23-25). When was the last time that you spewed unkind words at your husband? God says you are worthless. Ladies, get control of that hurtful tongue! (Please read and reread lesson 4, “Kindness Is on Her Tongue” and then read it again!)
The Husband and Wife Relationship
We are not to be the spiritual leaders of our homes. God’s Word refers to the man as He does to Himself. We are to have the same type of relationship with our husbands as Jesus has with His Church. Let’s search His Word for the many ways that our relationship with our husbands is to be like our relationship with Christ.
“For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church . . .” (Eph. 5:23). “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:3). We learned in lesson 8, “Wives, Be Subject,” the importance of authority in the home. We also learned the benefits of being subject to our husbands, namely for our and our children’s protection. Scripture compares Christ as the head of the church to our husbands as the head of us. As with any well-run company or, especially, the military, there has to be a proper head or leader. We must allow our husbands to lead! Don’t miss this point. You must allow them to lead. Allow your husband to come up with the solutions to the problems that arise in your home.
“For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body” (Eph. 5:23). The husband is to be the Savior of the body. We wives think we are to be the saviors. But when there is a financial crisis, or any crisis, the man really should be the one to “save the day.” Many wives run out to get a job or they make financial plans. This is only robbing your husband of a blessing. When the husband makes the plan, then we can happily submit. When the wife makes the plan, then the home is out of order.
We women must fulfill our role as the ones in subjection to our husbands. They alone are to be the head of the home and the savior of the body. Of course, we wives would rather tell our husband how he should cut back. Ladies, when you see a problem, give it to your husband! Stop the cycle of you leading and saving! Here are some short testimonies from women who have followed this principle without their husbands’ knowledge.
My husband was not the disciplinarian in our home. He was the great guy; I was the creepy, mean mom. One day I finally decided to act on the principle of allowing my husband to lead. It took pulling back on my extreme authority until all chaos began to happen. I had always kept the children in control. Therefore, my husband had never noticed any problem in our home. Frankly, I was tired of being the only adult in the house. I took my husband’s lead of not disciplining, correcting, or training for almost a year. I watched as the children got out of control. I had always kept everything basically calm, so my husband never understood when I would ask him to help me to discipline the children. When they got totally out of control, he was shocked! But, it finally made him move. For the first time, he put his foot down, and paddled them without my asking him to! It’s just what my children needed. But most importantly, I was relieved of the burden of being the sole disciplinarian, which left me more time to enjoy, play with and love my children the way my husband had done in the past. We are now “together” raising the children. There is finally the balance that I had always desired.
I always tried to cushion the harshness of my husband’s authoritarian ways in dealing with our children. I felt I needed to protect them from their father, especially one that I felt he was sort of picking on. What I didn’t realize was that I was not only blocking his harsh ways, but I was blocking the children’s love from their father too. Once I heard this principle, I decided to try it by following his lead. My test came when my husband told our son to mow the lawn. I usually would keep after him until he mowed it, but this time I said nothing. My son went to bed without mowing the lawn that evening. At 11:30 p.m. his dad came back home from his meeting and wanted to know why the lawn had not been mowed. Instead of making excuses and defending him, I just said, “I don’t know.” My husband got him up out of bed and made him mow the lawn in the dark that night. My son cried the entire time, and, secretly, so did I. But things changed; closeness developed between my son and his dad. Also, my son began to mature, eliminating a major concern of mine.
My husband was never very good at providing for the family. I always bailed him out when he lost his job or when we were short of money by going back to work. One day, from sheer exhaustion, I made the decision that I would follow his lead and be quiet when things got hairy.
Things did get crazy and he still wouldn’t take the lead, but I was determined to be still. Things got worse and he got angry. I used to rescue him when he got mad, but this time I remembered the Scripture, “A man of great anger shall bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again” (Prov. 19:19). He was so accustomed to my taking over in a crisis that he didn’t really know how to. Instead of doing something, I just prayed for him. I prayed the Scriptures that speak about the husband providing and about the fruit of diligence while I kept quiet and still. Then all of a sudden my husband leaped into action. It was amazing!
I am now free to concentrate on the kids and our home. It has freed me up to care for my husband more than I had before. I think my resentment towards him was festering for a long time. I was so busy with work, caring for our family, and keeping the home up. What I hadn’t realized was that is what was keeping my husband and me from being close. Now I am able to show gratefulness to him. All this has brought out a wonderful man who I never knew was in there! I sometimes fall back into being the head and savior of our home when my husband doesn’t move fast enough for me, or I don’t think he’s handling it the right way, but I am trying to learn that these situations are not my problem. When he doesn’t move or if he doesn’t handle it the right way, that’s between him and the Lord. The Lord is the head of him, not me.
Created to carry the burdens
Your husband was created to carry the burdens of the family; just look at his broad and muscular shoulders compared to your shoulders. We women have even tried to imitate those shoulders with shoulder pads! Men are really designed to work best under pressure. Maybe you think your husband can’t handle the pressures, because you’ve always been your husband’s safety net.
Women, on the other hand, were created to handle many things at once. We are able to run the home with all its maintenance and manage children of various ages, personalities and needs: he meals, the cleaning, the continual tidying up and the family’s hectic schedules. Women, it seems like we can do it all. But while we are pretending to do it all, what is our husband doing? Usually playing! Playing sports, working on hobbies or playing around!!!!
“For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh” (Eph. 5:31). “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself . . .” (Eph. 5:28). “Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself” (Eph. 5:33). We have heard the term “one flesh” so often without really understanding the meaning. By looking at the Lord’s relationship with his Father and our relationship with our husbands, we can see we are lacking in this important understanding.
Ladies, our husbands play a major role in the sanctification of us as we see in the following Scripture: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless” (Eph. 5:25). This is a very powerful Biblical Truth that few will ever realize. We wives need to be sanctified (purified) as our husbands read and share Scripture with us. Does your husband read God’s Word daily to you? How does the church keep the body cleansed from the sin that creeps into the church? By the reading of God’s Word. With wives it’s the same way.
My husband always felt intimidated by his responsibility in this area. We discovered a wonderful and beautiful solution to the family’s need to be in the Word daily. Our family sits together, all nine of us every morning, with the older four reading along and our non-readers sitting quietly doing puzzles or coloring. This method of listening to one CD a day and reading along takes you through the entire Bible in just 62 days! The combination of listening to Alexander Scourby reading the Bible correctly and reading along is so powerful, it cannot be explained.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved . . .” (Eph. 5:28). “So husbands ought also to love their own wives . . .” (Eph. 5:25). “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them” (Col. 3:19). Since the feminist movement permeated the church with lies, there has been a “blending” of the roles and commandments given to men and women. We continue to hear others say that God commanded men and women to love their spouses. This “command” was only given to the husband. Actually, the only reference for a woman to love her husband is given in Titus. The older woman is encouraged to teach the younger to love her husband and her children. Deuteronomy 4:2 says, “You shall not add to the word which I am commanding you . . .” Does that mean a wife isn’t to love her husband? Emphatically no! “. . . and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us . . .” (Eph. 5:2). The wife’s primary role is that of respecting and submitting to her husband. Love, genuine love, will follow. If you are lacking unconditional love for your husband, begin by respecting and submitting to him and see what God does to your heart.
Should be respected
“. . . let the wife see to it that she respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33). “. . . as they (husbands) observe your (wife’s) chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:2). Respect for the husband and father is so needed in our Christian families. Mothers, we wonder why our children don’t speak respectfully to us and yet we think nothing of our own attitude toward our husbands. Instead of respect, there is an attitude of mere tolerance to the head of the household. Husbands and fathers have been run into the ground and challenged every day by their wives, and it is accepted! We need to put a stop to this immediately. This may be deep rooted. If we are helping our husbands provide, then we may be out with other contentious women who gossip, murmur and complain about their husbands. Pray that God will remove you from that environment and bring you back home. If your children are in public school, you haven’t a prayer of getting respect. Even many of the children I meet who are in private or Christian schools show disrespect toward their parents. Why not bring them home to be educated? If your family is still watching television or videos, you had better think of them as training tapes. Make very sure you want the behavior and attitude on the screen to be “played out” in your home.
“But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24). “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18). “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). “. . . pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the Word of God may not be dishonored” (Titus 2:5). Husbands are to rule over everything. They may “delegate” certain tasks, but the role of the man is as the head, and we as wives are to be subject to them. We are not to be under another man’s authority (i.e., a boss or Sunday school teacher or even a pastor. See lesson 13, “The Ways of Her Household” for “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge . . .” (Hos. 4:6).)
Our husband is to be the final and ultimate authority here on earth for our children and us. Take note: financial problems are one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Ladies, give back this important leadership area. Couples who have allowed the husband to rule their homes by controlling the finances have reported nothing but praises. They have reported that it totally eliminated financial fighting. Pray about it and see what God will do. Your husband may want you to hold onto the checkbook. Pray about your being “relieved” of this burden also. If you think your husband is too irresponsible, remember: that is the Lord’s problem, not yours! Our ways must please the Lord!
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her . . .” (Eph. 5:25). Feminism has just about destroyed the “knight in shining armor” scenario. Yet, here in Scripture, we see that same gallant man who would give himself up for his wife and his family. Do you honor and respect your husband’s sacrifice for the family with appreciation and point it out to the children? Do you “rob your husband of a blessing” when you are the one who always “saves the day”? Ladies, get busy praying for your husband to rule your household. Encourage your husband to be around more, not as a guest, but as a working ruling figure.
Keep bringing your husband in on the decisions that need to be made and the mini-catastrophes that go on constantly. Drop the burden in your husband’s lap. This will allow you to be gentle, quiet and feminine. You will then discover or rediscover your husband. You must do this carefully and then submit to his decisions with good cheer and encouragement. Do it with the caring attitude that you know you have lost from taking over for way too long. Ladies, this is why your husband has so much time to “play.” Stop taking over, stop resenting it and do something about it!
Supply and provide
“But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8). If you are working or you have allowed or participated in “spending prior to making,” then you need to repent. Satan is using you to succeed in his agenda of dividing your home and stealing your blessings. Stop playing on his team. Renew your mind and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. This area is covered in more depth again in lesson 13, “The Ways of Her Household.” This lesson answers the question that you may have when it’s your husband who wants you to work, but your heart is to remain home.
Please understand that one of the biggest reasons why we women are so unhappy and frustrated is not because we are not being treated equally to men. It’s because we are trying to fill a role that we were not designed for. If both the husband and the wife are working, who is in the home? Ladies, the home that you and your husband work and slave for is sitting empty! Your “little blessings” are being cared for and taught by a poor imitation of you. Is it any wonder that you feel frustrated and unfulfilled?
We know that our husbands are supposed to “bring home the bacon” but there is spiritual food that our children and we are literally starving for! “. . . for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church . . .” (Eph. 5:29). This feeding must be from God’s Word. Ladies, we have made our husbands feel totally inadequate in this area. Many men don’t even know where to begin. We must pray that the Lord will strengthen and guide our husbands; pray this daily! Satan will attack your husband in this area because he knows how important this area is to lead the family. He will make your husband feel worthless, incapable and downright stupid. He will use strife with you and your children to stop your times of reading God’s Word. (Pray about an opportunity to tell your husband about using the Bible on tape or CD to lead his family through the Bible—it works!) Since our husbands have fallen short in this area, we have taken it upon ourselves to fix the problem. We have gotten what we need by trotting off to multiple Bible studies, seminars and Sunday school. Our children are sent to Sunday school and vacation Bible school in order to hear the same stories year after year; only to drop out of church as young adults.
Ladies, Sarah decided to fix her problem with Hagar! Is your family in a Hagar situation? Your husband feels so inferior as the spiritual leader of his family because you know it all! So now you and the children leave for church and he stays home or plays golf. Read the testimony at the end of this lesson of a radical change in the life of one woman who took a brave step of faith.
“An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.”
To leave room for the Holy Spirit to lead my husband
“Based on what I have learned from God’s Word, I commit my husband, his leadership and his spirituality to You; and I will wait patiently for You to move. I will give back the leadership role to my husband in all things so as not to dishonor your Word.”
His Word healed them
Once again, it is God’s Word that will change and heal you. “He sent His Word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions” (Ps. 107:20). Again, you must begin to renew your mind. Have you noticed a change in the way you’re thinking? Are others noticing that you are not the same?
- 3×5 cards. Once again gather your 3×5 cards and write down the verses from this lesson that have touched your heart. Are you keeping these cards in your purse and bringing them out regularly as the Holy Spirit prompts you? Is God prompting and reminding you to read them over?
- Healing. Has God healed you in a particular area? If not, then it is important that you pray for the Lord to reveal what is blocking your healing. Have you sought the counsel of another (older) woman? Did you have an opportunity to confess a weakness, a fear, or an unconfessed sin? If you did then you can believe God for a breakthrough.
- Share the wisdom from this lesson with one other woman who unknowingly is taking on her husband’s role and is becoming worn-out.
Write her name on this line.
For My Burden Is Light
Carrie* is a woman of inner beauty, not that she isn’t outwardly beautiful; she is. It was her inner beauty from her love and fear of the Lord that radiated from within her. Yet, she was carrying a burden that kept her from the full joy of the Lord. She was bearing the burden of a secret sin that God was prompting her to confess.
“Confessing your faults one to another” is always difficult, but the fear of rejection from those she loved the most, and her closest friends, had kept her from such a confession. Once she was safe within the doors of the Restore Ministries fellowship, she wept deeply from within as she shared the details of being carried away by the lust of the flesh with her ePartner. Dressed in a head covering, she held her dress tightly around her neck while covering even her ankles as her story progressed.
This was not merely wrestling with “flesh and blood”; this was truly a battle of the spiritual wickedness in heavenly places. Her Spiritual protection was nowhere to be found during this battle, and yet the Lord still had the victory. The root cause of her vulnerability was in her joining and attending a church alone. She had not waited for her husband to lead the family. Carrie was erroneously told by church leaders that if she would continue to come and bring her children, this would be her best protection and the best way to encourage her husband to come into the church. Yet, this had an opposite effect. Instead her husband felt she and the children were getting all the spiritual guidance they needed from the church—certainly more than he could give, since he wasn’t even a believer!
Carrie did confess to her husband her adultery, which began with her unfaithfulness to him as her spiritual leader and protector by going to church without him. She reaped what she had sown in rejection, humiliation and isolation. But the God of all Love rewarded Carrie by turning the hearts of those she loved back to her. For it is God who turns the heart whichever way He wishes. After she confessed to her church, she was asked to leave. Carrie then waited for God to move her husband into his spiritual role.
Only two weeks later, Carrie’s husband took her to visit another church in the area. On the second visit he got saved! He said he felt the full responsibility of guiding his family once his wife looked to him alone for leadership. He now leads the family every morning from the Bible and attends men’s Bible studies and prayer groups. Her spiritual umbrella of protection is now above her, and she is now at peace.
Our Lord receives our praise and all the glory for giving Carrie rest for her soul. “Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your soul. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
* Not their real name. “An excellent wife is a crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4).
As I read this study again I think about how difficult it is to give up ourselves, our will, and come under submission to our husbands. We are taught in the world that we should fight for what we want, that we have “rights.” As a Christian woman, those “rights” don’t align with the Word. No matter what the world says it right, no matter what the law says is right, our Higher Authority, our God, has given us instructions that He expects us to obey. And obey we must.
I’ve stated in other blogs, I don’t always agree with some of Erin’s application. Scripture is another thing. I’m one of those who say, “God said it, I believe it, and that settles it.” I’m not saying I’ve arrived or am anywhere near perfect, I do strive, though, to obey what I read in Scripture. I know I’m responsible for my actions. No one else is responsible for my choices and actions. I am also responsible when I lead someone else into sin. Yes they are responsible for their actions, but so am I, if I lead them into sin.
God bless You,